i think my mom watched the whole time
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
