She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
