HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up under a house in Key West
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
