i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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