Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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