A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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