just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
