just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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