Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
