i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
