ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
