I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
