i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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