I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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