Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
