so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
