my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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