I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
