12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
