if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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