i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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