The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
