Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
