I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
