I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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