I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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