I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
