you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
