Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
