Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
