I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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