When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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