he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
