omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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