Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
