Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
