Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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