I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
