you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
