So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
