The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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