At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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