I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
