its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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