You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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