At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
