i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
