Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
