the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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