Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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