how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
