Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
