God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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