I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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