Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
