im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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