He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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