I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
