Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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